What to do.

Alright, so, no one has really heard from me in the last couple of weeks... why? well remember the posts i made before about my father and some of the horrible things that I had to deal with when I was young? I just had to make the comment that bars dont keep you safe from some things didn't i? well he was released a few weeks ago... I am still not sure how the heck he managed it... how does someone whos suppose to be serving 2 life sentences with no chance of parol make parol? someone please, please explain this to me?
　It has been a very long time since I have beleived that the monster under the bed wasn't real, and that he wasn't holding a grudge. but over the last few years I have settled down, relaxed a bit, made friends... it took me a very long time before I was able to do all that. the people who have hurt me have been gone for so long, never forgotten no, but gone from my life, unable to physically harm me, or my little boys.

It has taken me years to get myself both physically and mentally under control, to not jump at every shadow, to not cringe because someone went to pat me on the shoulder, to not run and hide because some guy on the street smiled in my direction... It took me so long, to get to the point I was at 2 weeks ago... how can things fall apart so quickly?

In the space of a couple of short days, all that safety, all that settling into my life and learning to trust and not be scared all the time is now gone. With the return, if not in person, of the main person that caused the damage I find myself feeling like the scared 13 year old who was moved into foster care. that scared little girl who wouldn't let anyone touch her, not even a hug, because she KNEW that a hug is never just a hug, that it wasn't really comfert, it was a means to an end. all those insecurities rushing back to haunt me all at once.
Friends, loved ones, people who are both new and old to me have told me over the last couple of weeks that i'll be alright, that it'll be ok, that the police will keep me safe, that he wouldn't really be stupid enough to come after me or the boys... why don't i belive that you might ask? why do I still feel the need to hide? because I learned a very long time ago that thinking your safe, thinking he isn't going to come after you, thinking you may just have a reprive is nothing more then wishful thinking.
will he find me... i have no doubt. I am frighteningly sure that he already has... will he show up... maybe... but that maybe is enough to open a huge pit of doubt, of insecurities, of fear and terror that i haven't felt in a very long time.

Shortly after we were removed from my fathers home, my brother recived a box.. the contents were enough to put every one of us children into protective custody. my father was arrested right off the bat, but made bail very quickly, our legal system is set up to keep people safe ... but not always the right people. It's there to protect everyones rights, unfortunately that means it protects his as well. So he made bail, and began looking for us... when Jason got that box, it was horrible, it had several "toys" in it that had been used on both him and us girls in the past, and something else thats to horrible to remember.

a few days ago I recived a box much the same. I had several people question me on why it is that I feel so absolutely positive that this box came from him, but one look inside was enough to tell me it had, that he was back, that he is coming for me. when? I don't know. where he would have gotten such horribly dreadful toys I am not certin, but I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that they came from him. no one else would know how to cause such instant terror, such vivid flash backs to times best forgotten.

I am hardly sleeping. my night terrors are back in full force keeping me and everyone else from getting the sleep they need, my youngest son I fear is picking up on my stress and fear no matter how hard I try to hide it and is hardly sleeping as well. both of my boys' behavior patters have shifted drastically and I don't know how to fix it. I have done everything i can to make my house safe... installed new locks, revamped my alarm system, changed all the codes, installed shatter proof windows, alerted the police who of course all think i am insane and over reacting dispite the multiple restraining orders...we live in a tiny town, where nothing truely bad ever really happens... so i must be over reacting, dramatising.... i have more loaded guns in my house then my 8 year old can count... and still i can honestly say... i am NOT over reacting.

i hardly sleep, i have hardly eatten, i am scared to put my boys in their own bed at night because i might not be able to get to them in time... my night terrors range from everything from waking to find him standing over my boys with blood pooling around their bodies, to waking up in a cold sweat, my heart racing wildly, my screams waking everyone as I desperately try to NOT remember.

few know true fear... true terror... most know that the scary monster under the bed is all in their head and can't really hurt them... but no amount of hiding under the blankets can chase my monsters away. he is real, he is here, and he is going to try and get me. but worse then that I fear that he is going to come after my boys as well... what can I do? how can I keep them safe?

I am not sure what to do anymore... some people understand the fear, the terror, they understand and belive what happen, some were around for it some were not. unfortunately, it seems like at this point I am not sure who belives me and who thinks I am completely off my rocker and who thinks I am simply dramatising everything and making it sound worse then it actually is.... but this isn't something you can make sound worse then it is... b ecause it isn't really something that could possibly GET much worse.

When he shows up, how will i react? will i react like the scared little girl that escaped his grasps? cower in a corner when he turns THAT look on me? or will I be able to step forward, let it be known at least to myself that i am not a scared child worried about what bones might crack this time and simply shoot the bastard? i don't know, I worry that it will be the first, but i hope to god it'll be the latter.

what do you do when your own personal boogy man escapes his cell and is coming after you. the boogy man whos been locked away for over 10 years and wants revenge on those who made sure the key turned in the lock behind him?

you hide. you run.